"King Of California"

I become King, not cuz I was borned into it, or cuz I had the most powerful army. I becomed King of California cuz I was smart. They say I have honor too and I guess they be right. 21 years ago, right after them foreigners nuked LA, NYC and DC, the quake hit. That took two thirds of the state and what’s left is what I’m in charge of. Bein one of the first to make it into the city proper after the water receded, I realized that there wasn’t nothing worth taking. It was a real foul place. Anyways, after havin the place to myself for a few years, these folks start coming in and wanting to go into the city. I tell ‘em that it's bad, that there ain’t nothin’ worth goin’ in for, but they still want to see for themselves.

So I come up with a plan and whoa boy if it don’t work good. Since I know the tides and the only trails through the quicksand flats, I sellz ‘em maps for whatever they got to trade with and they buy ‘em. Ain’t never had nobody return yet and ask for their money back. Ha ha. Sometimes I get a family, or just people that seem a good enough type, and I turn 'em back. Ain’t no need in sending decent folk in there, knowing they ain’t gonna come back. Any bad boys that come in and think they be takin’ over and flexin’ some muscle, well, I just give ’em a map, but I when I tell ‘em to go, it be just before it’s flash tide and I love to picture their faces when they see they gots nowhere to go and the water’s travelin’ at them around eighty miles per hour. They get cleaned out of here real quick. Ain’t it amazin’ how stupid folks are nowadays? I keep tellin’ ‘em not to go, but still they do. It be like they have some sort a dream of riches, or the good life, or something.

So as for me, well, I found a big place to live up in some hills, where rich folks must have been. I’ve collected whole bunches of sparklies and some gold. Even have a big room of paper money, for what that’s worth out here, but I here it’s making a comeback in the rest of the country. Started havin’ people work for me, then got a reputation for being the head guy and folks started coming to me, making deals and such. Started bringin’ in food and good water too. Almost being a respectable businessman, now. Being King is a good thing.